I am SO in love...

…with myself.

…according to my co-worker.

This is a total fabrication. It’s so untrue that it can’t be farther from the truth! Yet this notorious and absurd accusation has actually helped me to learn a couple of new things about myself.

Co-worker was just joking around when she said it. While discussing life in general, she began, as always, complaining about how much she hates her husband. The subject changed over to me and the reappearance of a guy into my life from the not-so-distant past (It was actually more of a phone call and less of an appearance, but whatever.) I tell her that since things were never that serious between the guy and me, we might be able to hang out, but his chance at romance was lost way back when he decided he wanted to act like a jerk about a year ago. Co-worker commented on the fact that I seem to rule out all the guys in my life. I think about it for a minute…yep, it’s true. But it’s because I only meet wishy-washy jerks and not nice guys. She told me that there is only one guy that she never hears me trash and she thinks it is because he and I were so much alike that it was like I was dating myself and that was why I was happy with him. Whaaa? It’s true that this guy and I were very much on the same page but….

Co-worker laughed her comment off and says that she is only kidding and admits that I do always meet (sometimes well-disguised) losers and agrees that she would also be complaining about them if she were me, just as much as she already does her own husband. But it’s too late. The seed has been planted. Am I really that self-absorbed? Am I really in love with myself?

So I’m home at the end of the day, kicking my shoes off and stripping out of work clothes. Then I noticed my framed photos on the walls of my bedroom. Every one of them were ones I had taken myself on my travels. Hmmm. I walk into the kitchen for some cold water and walk right past an oil painting on the wall. Yeah, the one I painted. Could it be true?

I actually stopped to think about this! I consider myself a very humble person and consider myself pretty ordinary. I certainly am not vain. In conclusion, I answered no to the question. The pictures I had taken were of things I thought were beautiful and that’s why they were up, not because I had taken them. My oil painting is hanging up for two reasons. One, it’s the only one of my paintings that I have left since I gave all my others away. And two, where else can I put the thing except on a wall? Additionally, important to note is that I have nothing bad to say about the above-noted ex-boyfriend because he was never a jerk to me and we had a lot of fun and understanding between us, not because he was like me.

So, no, I am not in love with myself. But I do like who I am. I am fun, always laughing, appreciate the small things in life, am easy to get along with, and (usually) very patient. I enjoy being a learner in life, full of different experiences.

I also admitted to myself that I am a grounded, responsible, stable individual who is also a free-spirited dreamer. Sometimes I believe these two combined traits make me a well-rounded individual. Other times, these two sides of me clash and fight against one another. This sensible, responsible side of me that fears starvation and homelessness is the creature of habit that persuades me to save money and go to work everyday, even when I am very sick. That other side is dreaming about how great it would be to leave everything behind and become an island hopper that sells ice cream to tourists to support my beach bum habits. But the latter side will never win. I know which side I need to listen to. And I do. But I hate that bitch sometimes.

So that rang in my second realization of the day. With the mention of what kind of guys I have had in my life, I have concluded that I do not need nor want a guy who is just like me. I already know me. I want to learn and appreciate someone with differences. We can learn from one another. As long as he respects me for who I am, we don’t have to have every little thing in common. Besides, we’ll find our own things we like to do together.

I think the ideal man for me would be one who is more like the responsible side of me. One who will enjoy planning one really great vacation a year and will remind me that it’s too financially draining to travel around the world twice in one year. One who will enjoy a long drive and like to take a hike now and then, yet gives me a reason to want to stay home rather than a reason to hide away in a canyon on the other side of the country. One who will indulge me in a camping trip one autumn weekend so that I can see the colorful leaves falling from the trees, but will also indulge me in something that he really enjoys so I can share his passion.

I don’t need someone that is too much like me or else we might quit our jobs and hike across Europe in the Alps. Just kidding. I think the responsible voice would speak before that ever happened. And as I mentioned in a previous post, I am having fun in travel and adventure now until I meet him.

The point is that I know what kind of guy I am looking for. He has some common ground with me but he is different from me.

And the best thing about being with him after I find him, is knowing for sure that I am in love with him and not with myself! :)