I used to post poems that I have written on this blog. A few of them were about life in general, but most of them about amazing things that I have encountered while traveling. I was thinking about how I should write a few lines about something I saw or did this summer. God knows, I certainly had plenty of inspiration to write and never stop and I’m sure that no words I could have ever applied to paper would have done justice to places I experienced over those two months.
But I’m not feeling very inspired right now even with looking at my photos from this summer. I require inspiration to write anything at all, so…nothing new will be written today.
I did, however, search my files for old poems I had not yet shared. As I read through some of them, I found some that I had not posted on the blog. Rereading the words I had written took me back in time to the places or people I had written about. Not only could I feel those same emotions again, but I realized that impressions that are strong enough to inspire you to immortalize these feelings or impressions in a poem are your truest and most accurate insight of the subject.
For example, I had written a poem about Yosemite, California after my first visit there nearly six years ago. I returned there again this year and as I reread the words of my Yosemite poem, I found that I had captured exactly what Yosemite is to me in words. The words were so accurate that I felt there was nothing I could change in the poem to express it any clearer. I also have found this to be true with people.
I had this on and off again relationship with a certain man* for about 3 years. We were friends who happened to like one another on a slightly more-than-friendly level but there was always some kind of unavailability issue with us. At first, it was because we lived too far apart. Then he moved closer. Then it was that he was too busy. But then he took the time out for us to spend together. It was never anything serious until a couple of events took place last winter. These events revealed a great deal about what kind of person this man (who was supposedly my friend, above all else) was. What angered me so much was how this guy, in the end, truly believed that he had me “in his grips” and had left me devastated. He was surprised when I corrected him and let him know that though he was someone I thought was special to me, that there would be no crying myself to sleep at night over him now that I really knew him. I also told him that I didn’t want to talk to him again.
Then in a fury of curse words and bitter, angry tears, I wrote these words down…
I do not love you
I never have; I never will
I know you must think that
You made my whole world stand still
But my world is still spinning
Life did not cease for this endeavor
And your delusion is the reason
All ties I must sever
You must not think I shed a tear
Or that you made my heart swoon
That is make-believe in your head
And you did not hang the moon
I thought fondly of the man I thought that you were
And now I can see that he was not real
Dreams of might-have-been are lost in a blur
Because I do not love you and I know I never will
There’s no waiting around for you
Now that I see clearly who you are
No use entertaining the notion
Or wishing for love upon a star
You are no knight in shining armor
You do not fit the part
And the only armor around here
I’ve built around my heart
I never called him again. But he did call me. I was very cold at first, but this guy was persistent with apologies and lame excuses and leaned strongly on our “friendship” as a way to worm himself back into my life. I am naïve and forgiving and believe in second chances, so we began another round of “us.” This time was different (or so it appeared) and we grew closer than ever before. We talked nearly daily and shared many things about our lives. Those 6 months were awesome. It was such a wonderful world…and then he slipped back into his old ways of not quite being what he portrayed himself to be and then he pulled the disappearing act again.
When I read the above poem, I had to chuckle to myself as the realization struck that those words still ring truer than ever before, even after closing a second chapter in our lives. If only I had reread it before I opened that second chapter.
It seems the story never changes. Therefore, after I put into writing my latest encounter (a/k/a disaster), I will be sure to keep it in my active files for quick access and future reference, just in case this one decides to make a comeback, too.
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*Note to that “certain man”: I have no idea if you still read my blog, but if you do, you know who you are. Life is still going on without you, just so you know. I wouldn’t want you to worry that the sun no longer shines on me. Also, I have to admit that your “disappearing act” was pretty awesome this time. I didn’t see it coming at all, Houdini! Good job! Now, if you will kindly stay in hiding, I’d appreciate it.
PS. If your phone doesn’t ring, then you’ll know that’s me.
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10 comments:
I felt this post, O-girl. This was a most powerful and honest poem. I can tell that many emotions and frustrations were spilled like blood into this piece. This guy doesn't sound like he had his priorities straightened out, or really knew what he wanted. It's too bad that you invested yourself so much into someone who kept you hanging on the line. Trust me: I know that feeling and it makes you feel like a fool. Just remember that you are not the fool, just that there is always a risk involved in being a good person. There are many of us like you who are sticking to our guns. The world has enough of the other.
Hmmmm... Okay, you're gonna hate me, but I kinda think you did love him. I know, I know, I don't know you and who the Hell am I to even say such a thing. But, Hubby has this saying -- he believes that love and hate aren't really opposites at all. They are the two strongest emotions one can feel and thus they are linked in a sort of passionate emotional sense. The opposite of both of these emotions is apathy. If you felt apathy for this guy I would get it -- I would say "Oh, she never really cared that much." But, you don't feel apathetic at all. Ah, but I could be wrong. And, like I said, who am I to even say anything at all? But, I do know how you feel. Hubby has another saying -- he says that if he was a woman he would totally be a lesbian. Not simply because he's attracted to women, but because he believes most men are selfish assholes. Perhaps you like that little saying of his better =)
I have to agree with SS. One of my most used saying is that love and hate are one and the same. The worst you do to somebody is indifference. If you hate them or love them, they are too much a part of your life.
But thats no excuse for what he did to you of course. You will eventually get over it and become indifferent.
For a second, i thought you were referring to me and my lack of commenting on your blog. Yeah maybe you fell for me big time at the Vortex, OG ;)
Grunt...Thanks, I know I can always count on your understanding. :)It really is too bad that I invested so much into nothing. But I will continue to stick to my guns if you will. :)
SS...You're right, but I loved who I THOUGHT this person was. But when I found out he was full of crap and was NOT that person, I was very angry about it. I do not love the REAL him, which was what I was trying to say in the poem. Oh, and I could never hate you for telling me your opinion. :)Hubby has a good point!
Yrautca...I, too, agree that love and hate are same emotion, just on opposite ends of the spectrum. As far as being over that guy, I am. (this isn't the same person I talked to you about at the Vortex)I ran across this poem while searching for another poem and decided to make a point. The point was whenever you feel moved enough to write something about a particular subject,that is your sharpest and truest insight into that subject. Anyway, that wasn't your poem. I already wrote one for you...remember the one about beer in your coffee cup??? LOL! That one was really sweet. Don't you think?? ;)
OD - I really like the last stanza in that poem. It is exactly how things are when you are hurt, and mad. Isn't it odd, that some of the best material is written by an author in the throes of despair, or some kind of pain? I suppose sometimes that is when we see things most clearly. I waited a very long time for my knight in shining armor to return.
hey gurl wussup? I'm bakk with lots of pics :) Check my blog when u have time.
luv n missed ya!
Keshi.
Thanks Terry for your kind words. I am really glad that you have your knight. :)
Keshi..Loved the pics!
That poem could have been written by me I reckon!! Our best man THOUGHT that we had something going on for many years. I thought we were just friends, like brother and sister you know. Until HIS wedding day when his new wife from California (They met on work Visa in Kuala Lumpur) said to me in front of everyone, "hey, I know the story, if your husband had not have come along you and my new husband would have been married and this wedding would not have happened". I was like, wooowww, hang on a minute. Despite the fact that I have known my husband since I was 8yrs old and only known your husband for 8 years..umm, where does this all fit in?
He had told her he was madly in love with me and vise versa.
Well, I became his wife's best friend!!! Unfortunately, she passed away at a young age, just last year and I miss her dearly.
He is still after me and I have four kids and been married 11years now....so this poem would be perfect to send to him..but then again, he would probably read between the lines hey?
Wow, Cazzie. That's quite a story. Thanks for sharing! Yeah, he'd probably read between the lines if you sent it to him. Men! (sigh)
I'm so with you and have been there. great poem by the way!
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