Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I thought about that movie as I drove along the winding roads in the North Georgia mountains yesterday. What a concept, I thought. Yet until this weekend, I never would have thought that something as extreme as having someone erased from your memory would be a good idea. It would have had to have been quite an unbearable pain to make one want to forget even the good things and happy times spent with that person. It would make that time invested with that soon-to-be-forgotten someone a complete waste and time is something too precious to throw away.

As hot, tears rolled continuously down my cheeks yesterday I decided that a treatment which could wipe clean my memory of this one person would be the perfect solution. I only had a couple of months invested in this person so the destruction of my memories should only affect my life in minimal ways. Yet this short time of investment in this particular relationship is killing me.

I have been through this many, many, MANY times before. But this time is different. This man in not a jerk. This man is incredible. This man is very much like me and we completely get one another. We are being torn apart by circumstance. He is joining the army and going away for many years and this is why it ends.

I don't even want to remember the good things because they hurt too much. And I think they always will because of that regret that nothing was wrong with our relationship yet there is nothing that can be done to salvage it. And that is a shame. I am sure I will always feel like that. And I don't want to.

Of course there is no computer that my brain can be hooked up that will pick through my brainwaves and detect painful links to him and delete them, so I guess a spotless mind is not really feasible. I still tried to take matters in my own hands, though.

I remembered Jim Carrey's character as his memories of his beloved Clementine were fading away. Regret settled in and he desperately began to fight the procedure and hold on fiercely to any memory of her that he could. If it were me in that chair, I think that if I knew that a second chance would end in the same result, I would let it fade completely, but if there was any chance for a do-over with a different result, I am sure I would be calling out, "Meet me in Montauk", too. I then wrote his first and last name on a piece of paper (on the off chance this would work and I came across him again in the future), tucked it between the pages of a book, and prayed desperately to forget him or at the very least not care anymore.

As soon as my NyQuil-groggy mind awakened this morning, I remembered him and my heart sank. It didn't work. I dragged myself out of bed to get ready for work. As I slipped out of the warm covers and onto the floor, I tripped on something and fell. I mumbled an obscenity and hit the lightswitch to see what attacked me. I had kicked the book and lying on the floor beside it was the paper I had written on and his name glaring back at me. I laughed to myself. His memory is determined to cause me pain in one way or another.

While sitting in traffic on my way home from work, it occurred to me that I don't need a spotless mind. Bit by bit, I feel my heart shutting down again. But this time, probably for good. Your mind does the thinking; your heart does the feeling. So it looks like I will be okay in the end anyway...well, as long as my mind doesn't tell my heart to whisper out, "Meet me in Montauk."
--------------
I guess this explains my sketchy/absense of blogging lately. Anyway, there's good news on that! I am about to get back in my game of traveling and fun. I have some things in the works now and I can't wait to share the experiences.