It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!!!

I made an important discovery this weekend. It happened while talking on the phone with a good friend of mine. It had been a while since I’d last spoken with this friend and we were having a great time catching up. I was excitedly chatting away about recent happenings and my upcoming trip when something nearly choked me up. You see, I heard a familiar voice in the background of her phone. It was her neighbor. It was someone that was once special to me.

At first my heart sank. Then as I heard the voice clearer, my stomach dropped. Then I heard his laughter. For a moment I thought I felt a lump developing in my throat. I have no idea why. This person and I were never in a very serious relationship. In fact, the time we spent together was limited. Despite that, I felt differently about him than I did about all the others. I don’t know how. I only know it was different. I have been able to walk away from every man I ever knew without too much trauma and he was no exception. But when I walked away from his doorstep, something felt askew. It was enough for me to pause for a moment in the middle of his driveway and do a half-turn back. Of course, I stopped myself, shrugged off that feeling and mumbled something to the effect of, “Whatever. Screw him, too.” And I forgot about him just like I did everyone else. ...Until that moment I heard his voice.

This sounds like a bad thing, right? Well sure, it is never great to feel a bit of sadness, but at least I felt something. It seems that my heart is not as dead as I had thought. Now don’t get me wrong…I’m not a mean person. It’s just that death and divorce and a few breakups scattered into the mix has left me with an armored wall built around my heart. It seems that everyone I love leaves in some way, whether by death or some other means. I have learned to appreciate those I love while they are still here, but rarely let anyone new come into my life. I am untrusting and sometimes cold when it comes to meeting men. I don’t let them get very deep into my heart (just in case they disappear) and I tend to move forward very quickly with an alarmingly low amount of care about it. I have been told by a few that I have a nonattachment issue that can rival even the most noncommittal, wishy-washy man.

So with that being said, I think that what I felt when I heard that voice is a big deal. My heart is alive! It’s truly alive! That little twinge of pain, that brief moment of grief, that—dare I say it?—regret breathed a bit of life into the deepest part of my heart. For about 10 seconds I wondered if I had left more than just a few harsh words behind on his doorstep on that cold day.

…And then I said, "screw it" again and went out with someone else that night. I might have felt a little something, but it was nothing that a little snogging* couldn’t remedy. Hey, my heart may be dysfunctional but at least I know it works!

By the way, it's LESS THAN A WEEK until I leave for Germany!!! I am certain that my lively heart will feel happy there. :D

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*A special note for my “special” friend Red, just in case she is reading this: Remember, snogging does NOT mean what you thought it did! ;)